This all feels like some weird, cruel joke. I just can't sleep cus my heart is beating too fast, and the restless, hopeless sadness and anxiety in the pit of my stomach lets me get an inch away from finally falling asleep before it reminds me of everything, my heart starts beating, and I sit up in surreal disbelief because none of it makes sense, and everything is blurry with fact and fiction again.

So sleeping on a freshly broken heart, with absolutely no answers and a feeling like whatever love was fine only hours ago is now suddenly unrequited, and the dull pain in my chest from the stress of the confusion and the loss and the thoughts of, "Is this the end? Is this it? Could it really end like this between us... so abruptly and suddenly? None of this makes sense."

I'm in a state of mind where the details are so muddled, so absolutely unclear to me, that I couldn't help myself from making 4 attempts to call her cell at 1:40 AM in the morning. I mean, this is the most absolutely confused and destructively sad and angry and just generally distressed I've felt in probably forever. Although I've been through tough breakups, they've always been somewhat foreseeable and have always been explained in novels-worth of paragraphs back and forth between me and the former lover.

But now, the day after Valentines day when everything between me and my sweetheart was more than okay, and we had long conversations about our future together and sorted out little issues we were having, as well as spoke sweat nothings (which are starting to feel like 'everything's' in immediate retrospect) to each other over Skype, her heart seems to have given out under so much of the stress she's been experiencing that she decided to give up on us.

Just like that.

No ticker tape; no in-depth explanation and, seemingly, absolutely no regrets (as her friend, when I spoke to her wondering if my sweetheart was okay, said that she got a casual text from her saying she was simply watching the Big Bang Theory and eating nachos.. in my mind, making it seem like her losing me meant nothing to her). It came entirely out of left-field, and although I'm beginning to wonder if she, perhaps, had indeed premeditated it all, seemed as though if it were premeditated, it was only premeditated starting this morning at most. I know her well enough to have been able to pick up hints otherwise.

Now, she is going through very much lately, and when she ended it, it wasn't with a "you've been a bad boyfriend" or a "I don't love you anymore;" it was with a "I don't think I can function in this relationship anymore with everything that has been happening to me lately." And although I am not at liberty to go in-depth, as its certainly not the internet's business, my attempts at calling her for quick answers on her well-being (as I wanted to make sure she hadn't done something in her deep despair that was completely irrational) were met with absolutely no answer, and I had to climb through hoops getting her friend to text her before I knew she was physically alright, and was simply ignoring me.

That gave me peace of mind in that sense... but then, as I correctly forecasted, the confused heartbreak hit me full-on; hence why I'm up at 20 to 3 when I work later this morning.
I have no idea if sleep is even a possibility at all tonight. I feel like I need some sort of more coherent explanation before I can properly just be sad over all of this as opposed to desperately confused and incredibly hurt. It hurts even more, even if she requires the space, that she wouldn't respond to my attempts to make sure she was alright. Or even get someone else to do it for her.

In a few short hours, it started to feel like the girl I knew and fell in love with was completely and utterly gone. Where she's gone, I don't know, but I'm hoping she finds that girl herself. But I just need some more rational, clear-headed explanation before I can sit at ease with it, no matter how melancholy. And I need to either know this is just a phase.. a break.. while she attempts to recollect herself, or I need a more coherent and reasonable explanation as to why this should or would all simply come to a crashing, tragic end.

I've been recommended to simply back-off entirely and let her figure it all out herself, and in theory, I do agree... but my emotions are so over-powering that they demand some sort of answer.
Hence why, despite assumptions in my own head that this would come off as obsessive or clingy, I called her at 1:40 AM in the morning and in fact feel the irrational pull to keep calling her all night till she picks up and explains what the fuck just happened.

She may interpret it as me caring, and therefore calling so late to want answers... or, perhaps, she'll see it that way in retrospect.. or she may also, just as likely, think of it as exactly that; obsessive and clingy. And either way, in my mind, I simply want answers, which is beyond understandable; it's expected.
However, perhaps she's backing off for my sake as well. Or perhaps she simply wants to escape entirely to think about that and everything else she has to deal with on a daily basis.

Partly in response to this confusing break-up, I decided to delete my Facebook (however, I'd been planning on doing so for awhile). But only a couple of hours later, I decided to return because I wanted to show my friend something I had down on my timeline, and then thought that, perhaps, at least for a couple more days, it might be wise to keep Facebook in order to give my sweetheart a chance to respond to my messages. A downside to this, however, is my sending her more messages before she has responded due to my muddled, heart-broken brain. Which I did. But it was simply a short, poetic summary of how I've been feeling: like this all has to be some cruel sort of joke, or a dream or nightmare of some sort. Because that's what this feels like.

Her ending it was the last thing in the world I ever expected would occur. And honestly, part of me hopes it was nothing more than her in a confused, absolutely drained irrational mindset, because the message she sent me sounded absolutely nothing like her.

It was dry, mechanical, final, and absolutely to the point. It was like robot-her was doing something real-her didn't and never would have done because robot-her told real-her that this was the only thing she could do to make anything better. It was like, in some deep pit of raw emotion, her muddled logic decided she needed to shut something off, because she simply couldn't function in it properly.

And I can see it from the perspective and I understand.

But it's not enough! And I need more answers straight from her mouth before I can properly back-off and give her the space she needs.

So I've been recommended to drink a glass of wine to get to sleep, as it causes drowsiness, and I do need sleep. So I'm going to give that a shot.

Goodnight, planet Earth.
I hope you're fairing better than me on this very strange, painful, rainy night.