Grease on the screen makes me rainbows

I just recently became friends with an old ex-girlfriend of mine that I dated in 12th grade. We fell for each other quite hard, but ended like a terrible car crash.

I also ran into my most recent ex by complete fluke while on a bus in Vancouver. She was with a young man who seemed to shroud himself in the 'tough guy' veneer, while she had a cigarette on her ear and a look of sarcastic and cheeky false satisfaction which masked her emptied and defeated soul.

7 days later, on the same trip, I hung out with my recently re-befriended ex for the first time since the break up close to 2 years ago. She was absolutely relaxed with life, living with her current boyfriend, and rolling ecstatically in the intellectual life-love of school.

3 days later, back home in Powell River while sitting at a cafe between split-shifts sipping coffee and reading the latest headline about an American diplomat with the last name of Stevens being killed in Libya during a retaliatory bombing regarding an offensive depiction of the prophet Muhammad by an Israeli-American real estate agent, I realized what each ex represented to me.

Cigarette donned, soul bleeding and in a state of constant flux, my most recent ex had fallen into a ditch of solipsist misery over the entirety of existence. She was beginning to fill the empty whole with sex and substance abuse in an attempt to stave off anxiety and depression, inadvertently.. yet somewhat consciously.. digging herself even deeper into the great labyrinth of 'what the fuck.'

But, on the polar end, book in hand, smiling to the edge of the solar system over the complacent beauty of life and worried not at all with the misery of depth and study which hold no true consequence except as some strange self-fulfilling prophecy, my newly re-befriended ex was life as it is and was and always will be.

Calm, and disturbed only from without; never from within.

Within was flowing like a river, as within should.

And each time I spoke to her, she would tear the answers to all of my problems from the bottom of my soul as a casual statement, making the point.. it is always right in front of you, so what the fuck have you been looking for?

In my current state of limbo between the two representatives of ideal and un-deal, it was like she knew me better than I know myself, and all because she knows who she is; simple; refusing to become perturbed by the pointless confusions of the world which create no consequence aside from themselves.

I realized hers was the state of mind I wished to embody.

I did not want to live a life of a cigarette-laden ear lobe, ready to cope with another episode of existential confusion and psychosis, when I knew led to a pointlessly murdered soul.

a casualty of the stupidity which disguises as intelligence

like heroin disguises its hell in a flash of heavenly ghosts

To learn is a great joy
But how can you take it to heart
When the heart is a forever state
Of childhood beauty and love?

To grow up is to realize you had it right
as a newborn baby

Never, ever take life seriously because it really is just a game.