kaza-dumb

There's always some crazy party in the dendrite.. dendrive, ha. It's a Friday night, I half-consider a party sans alcohol (drinking way too much and would rather my veins don't suddenly dissolve into a flood of internal hemorrhaging at the age of 46). I worked my only shift this week, 5 to 10 AM at the Chapters bookstore downtown. After days of improper sleep, waking up at the strange hour of 4 AM was a surreal experience.. like travel days with mom and dad back in 2002.. echoed same kind of vibe varnish from the very very forgotten parts of my child psyche.

Last night, in a foggy drizzle mental haze.. I bused downtown from Oak Bay and shuffled slowly around the city thinking and feeling so at home with all of the messy mechanics, colonial color, beautiful women, clear as fun when you know what you want and you have it.. this entire city is a great big poem I am both reading and writing and sharing and screaming from the front of the polish-rough Legislature where the security guards not only let me slam poem.. they listen and tell me I sound good despite the obnoxious vibe I'd expected to create and the anti-authority zeitgeist jogging angry through the lines like naive anarchists who have decided on non-violence.

It was almost like I knew everyone, strangely.. I knew not all would receive a 'hello' and I knew not all would enjoy conversation with a person like me but it still felt like I knew each and every individual in an intimate 'we-share-the-same-poem-and-I-love-you' sorta way, of course this doesn't last forever, but maybe it does and every other negativity is just a rainy day waiting for the sun to come back. Rain is closer.. but the sun is always always shining.

Okay, enough of the lustful optimism.. it's not so much lustful optimism as I am happy right now, happy with an empty cup of coffee, took a 4 hour nap and dreamed for the first time in months.. there- therapy.

will continue when the writing mood returns.. could be a day or so..

It was less than 24 hours. Since the last word I wrote, I ended up drinking the night away with a foggy forecast please-let-me-be-young-forever at a Uvic party. It was reading break, but I still went with the secret motivation of potentially running into that girl again- we knocked on their door and everything, but no such luck, she's probably back in her hometown and I'm the absolute last on her mind.. but that's fine, sometimes that's just how life likes to tell you to stop.

Now that I think about it tho I don't like the saying 'there are plenty of fish in the sea...' yes, I get there are plenty, but I also tend to notice the sea in every fish, and after a breakup I know it's only ever people being nice and petting the neglected cat of my soul.. but I almost want to retort in point, 'yes, but there is plenty of sea in the fish. I miss her, damnit. I miss her!' and I do miss her as in my most recent serious romantic engagement, but I am in the headspace once again where it feels like it is crossing through me (I am really getting over it, though who knows I relapse often and probably will for months to come).

It's starting to feel like everyone can tell I've battered myself with the ram of beer.. I get these weird imaginings on buses as if everyone is thinking, 'he needs to stop or else his friendly empty poetry is going to disintegrate.. melt through pure cement on a fuzzy vision downtown sidewalk' although that could also just be my sanity giving me a fair warning through my interpretation of auras which are really just me and a mirror. Who knows. Who cares. I should make coffee and discover new music to show you, whoever you are, reading this.

A couple of my best friends are travelling down-island tomorrow for a visit. I feel like they might prefer this city when half the population hasn't deserted to whereverthehell for reading break, but I'm sure we'll have a blast anyway, this city sleeps, unlike some, but it doesn't sleep very well so if you look hard enough there's always something to do. I'm out of money however so it might be bad timing, I guess I'm in-debt enough though, if they offer to buy I'll accept but I'm not asking because my lack of currency is actually becoming a little bit of a sitcom. 

I had an interview at a Starbucks downtown today.. whilst slightly hungover.. I think it went well, but the amount of corporate hoops they make you jump through and those goddamn questions they get you to answer in degrees (strongly agree, somewhat agree, not sure, somewhat disagree, strongly disagree) and their asking you for specific times in which you failed to meet a customers expectations (wat a fackin trap that iz) and other such questions where they hold your innocent toes to the fire like you deserve to be interrogated for nothing.. so very, very creepy. So frighteningly precise. It's almost as if I were being interviewed to become the mayor of Victoria and I need to be aware of the backroom deals ahead of time so I don't mess with the already established and rather corrupt hegemony.

On another note, I also have an interview (next Friday) for a job doing dishes at the house of the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia. Quite literary, I think. Anyways. That's all the steam I've got so I'm stopping the train.