So, I haven't been indulging in my original hip-hop productions as much as I was the week prior... but I have, luckily, started getting more hours at A&W. I worked an 8 and a half hour shift on Saturday, after having only 5 hours of sleep following my late-running radio show the night before.
It's always worth it; trust me.
As well, work was actually enjoyable, surprisingly enough. I get along quite well with everyone there.
Some insane aftermath drama occurred last night as well, with a friend of mine working as a pipeline between my ex and I. Let's just say... she read what I wrote, as well as read another post in which she is alluded to on my Tumblr blog.
I probably should have learned some lesson by now about how unwise it is to post such in-depth personal posts relating to others.. as I have taken it overboard in the past, and admitted to it being a mistakes, therefore deleting whatever post it was.. but I'm not going to let her make me feel like the bad guy in this situation.
I realized I tend to beat myself up in the wake of break-ups or other negative occurrences involving mistakes I've made, and last night, I realized I really take that negative stream of thought too far. I believe I'm slightly gullible in the sense of letting others.. especially ex girlfriends.. walk all over me with blame for what occurred. They almost always successfully make me feel like the bad-guy, and I probably wouldn't have caught my flawed stream of thought had it not been for my brain going through the motions of everything I'd done wrong, and then hitting a brick-wall when I remembered exactly what she did to me. All of a sudden.. I realized the trap I was falling into. She was stomping all over me like I was the one to blame. Yes.. I made mistakes, but she made the fatal mistakes, and the fatal decisions in this case. Perhaps I could have reacted with a bit more grace, but I most certainly had the right to react the way I did.
And sure.. no one likes to see what they did wrong get plastered all over the internet.. but blogs are personal. Blogs are designed for rants of all shapes and forms. This just so happened to be what was on my mind. And I wasn't about to be polite and considerate regarding her feelings when she went about doing what she did completely inconsiderate of my feelings or thoughts on the matter.
You are free to make choices, but you are not free from the consequences of those choices. My post.. sadly.. is a consequence to the choice she made. And she has decided she wants nothing to do with me as a result.. this being the consequence of the choice I made to post it in the first place.
She also.. understandably enough in one sense, and kind of egocentric in another.. interpreted everything I wrote on my Tumblr post as relating to her. Sure, some of it was most certainly related to her and what had occurred between us.. but the vast majority of it had nothing to do with her. It was simply my outlooks on relationships I've had in the time prior to adulthood, and all the lessons I'd learned from them as such. (The post can be viewed here, for those interested in context, or in learning from my successes and mistakes regarding past lovers).
She also believed from my previous post that I was badmouthing and slandering her to all of my family and friends, and the community at large. The honest truth is, I said nothing to slander or bad mouth her. People asked what happened while I was in Victoria, and I wasn't about to hold back the part of the story that really broke my heart. All I did was tell them exactly what had occurred, and they each reacted to it in there own ways. Most took it as a negative occurrence, and totally unfair on her part. Which is my eyes, it was. A couple others said it didn't really matter, and I didn't work to convince them otherwise. However.. if my being honest on what she did to me is an insult to her, she should probably take that to heart and realize that, regardless of all the excuses and justifications she can come up with to support her side of the story to the very end, she made a painful mistake. And if I could ask for anything else regarding this catastrophic situation, it would be for her to simply admit that. I would easily be able to forgive her if she did so.
I don't really want her to become 'somebody that I used to know' (obvious Gotye reference), but what she did truly was hurtful and unfair. And honestly.. I'm not angry about any of it anymore. I'm just angry at how she refuses to see that what she did was unfair and hurtful in regards to me. I'm not asking her to go back on anything she's done. My bitterness arises from her lack of consideration, and her simple carelessness in simply dropping me like a dead trend.
She could have been honest about it all and simply said she no longer loved me, and moved on from there. Sure, it would have hurt finding out she was with someone else, but at least there wouldn't be my moment of going.. 'wait.. what the hell?? That means she lied about not being able to function in a relationship!' and the anger that arose from knowing I'd been not only lied to, and not only had my heart broken.. but had my heart broken, tossed on the hard concrete, and stomped all over. Whether she intended to do so or not, that's what it feels like.
However.. that's all I have to say on this fine Monday afternoon.
Peace out, blue planet; thanks for listening.
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