So, we're more than half-way through June, and I haven't posted a thing since near the end of last month.
I've contemplated new posts since.. but whenever I considered how much had occurred between then and now, I could never dredge up the motivation to write about it all. But I suppose I can get around to it now, espresso in one hand, a shimmering and lustful hope for my future and present in the other.
To start with.. I am officially 19! On the date of my birthday itself, I was actually doing my radio show, and as such, ganged-up with my 19-since-September co-host (one of the best friends I've ever had) to hit the bar before, during, and after being on air.
Turns out... I am capable of being significantly better at rapping when I'm drunk, once I strip away all the social anxiety's which would otherwise hold me back from giving it my all. I have since learned how to adapt without being drunk, and have noted myself to be growing exponentially in my free-styling, as well as my written-rap abilities. The fantasy of one day becoming a professional paid rapper is becoming less and less a dream, and much closer to reality.
However.. I have been getting far too drunk, far too often since my birthday, and have as such made the decision to lay off of alcohol for a little while so I don't start abusing my new-found 'privilege.'
I'll go back to sticking with the illegal drugs while I recuperate from the legal one.
The intense existential anxiety I've been experiencing lately is finally starting to subside now that I have completely faced it on numerous occasions at its worst, which has caused it to dissipate quite significantly. I believe I may be exiting what the Buddhists call "the dark night of the soul." And I'm happy for two things: 1; that I got to experience such profundity, and 2; that I am finally over with it to move on to new things in life. Perhaps, in the not too distant future, I will write about what this severe existential anxiety was like. Part of me truly wants to write paragraphs on it, while another part of me would rather leave it unsaid so I don't suddenly condemn someone else to it in reading about mine. However... I do think it's something everyone should go through at some point in their lives, because it really does wake you up in all aspects, and whether it was simply an illusion created out of anxiety or an honest truth, it really does feel like I walked through the 'valley of the shadow of death.' The strangest part about all of it is.. this is the most detailed I've gotten about it at all. Even on the occasions I felt it intensely in the presence of friends, I never really felt like telling them about it would solve anything, so I usually rode it out in complete silence amidst a small crowd.
One solid thing I learned from this experience.. fear is the mind killer. Now I face it all despite the fear. Not even death worries me anymore. Free yourself from fear, because that is what freedom really is.
On the work front, I am getting little to no hours at the bakery I've been working at since the end of April. I worked yesterday (Sunday), and don't work again until next Sunday. So, I've been offered a chance to get a job that pays upwards of $17 an hour, and am pretty dedicated to pursuing said opportunity, even if it means I may have to ditch the place in Lund to work in town. $17 an hour, at enough hours, will guarantee my way to the city in September; and that's my current focus in terms of goals at this point in my life. As long as I can save a minimum of 1 grand by that time, I'm good and gung-ho to go.
So, that's really it that I can think up at the moment. I'll be getting around to more philosophical and socially-related articles as the summer begins to hit full-force... I've also been brainstorming a few potential short story plots, so keep on the look out for those between now and apparent end-of-the-world this December! I can guarantee at least one more short story before the planets align and we all explode into spirit dust.
Peace out blue planet, I love you!
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