I know it'll pass, but I am so upset right now. I cry as we speak, and am having a hard time controlling myself. It's not a 'flail scene' weep-fest, but it's certainly a cry from the gut that's worked its way up to my head.
I can't believe how terrible I felt when I woke up with morning. Last night, I had a few strange dreams. One was one of far-fetched and foolish wishful thinking, in which my girlfriend and I realized what a mistake we were making by parting, and as such, we got back together and lived happily ever after.
I woke up, realized it was a dream, felt silly, and began to cry.
Short of losing a loved one to death, I've heard, break-ups are the hardest human condition to deal with. I just miss her in every way, shape, and form. Although one side of me speaks with reason and tells me I really shouldn't miss her, the other side of me remembers all these plans that were made, all the love that was expressed, all the 'I would never break up with you... unless you killed my parents,' And it hurts. A lot. It hurts more to think that she may be getting over it by now, for the most part... or she's not going through it quite as bad as I am. But why would she? She got what she wanted from this... she got her freedom satisfaction, and another part of me is happy for her.
I feel like I have to go in-depth. I know this blog isn't my diary, and I apologize and don't mean to grovel on about all this, but I do want people to read this, and I want them to relate and understand... otherwise I feel lonely in thought and feeling, like no one would ever be able to understand this pain.
I miss the feelings of her lips on mine, my cheek rubbed against her soft cheek, her cute smile when I did something nice for her, like carried her books home, or waited outside the school washroom with her things. I miss holding her in her sleep, and then chuckling at how cute she was when she stretched herself awake. I miss when she used to write me little notes on my iPod, or on a sheet of notebook paper that read: "My girlfriend thinks I'm amazing!" And then, I would find them later, after she left, and smile about how incredibly lucky I was to have a girl like her.
I miss debating with her during walks, talking about life and what was wrong and right about it. I miss her opinions, and her silly little pass-times. I miss thinking about the future with her, and how we naively planned the next 2 years together, only to have that beautiful flame licked out in just under three months. I miss absolutely everything about her, and if I could have one thing in the world right now, it would be her... but my common sense, I hope would override me in that decision and, at the least, give it all time.
I keep trying to tell myself I don't love her, but I do love her. I love her more than I've ever loved any girlfriend I've ever had in the past. Naive? Maybe. Foolish? Definitely.
I just wish it was December again, and her and I were still in the throes of our love. Back when we could never get enough of each other... when we used to go to bookstores and mull over interesting ideas and literature for hours on end, never buying anything while there.... or when we used to go to the library together, fool around like kids, and then finally came out with 2 or 3 books each.
This hurts so much. :(
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