Heartache of the Valid Sort.

Life is one tough cookie. Girls are beings very nearly impossible to understand, unless you accept the unacceptable and understand they are primarily ruled by their emotions. That is not to say all girls are like this, but inherently, it is a girls default setting, and as such, has at least the potential to override rational thought or ability at times.
Basically, they don't make sense, and feel they don't need to make sense. To each their own, I guess.
If you haven't guessed already, girl troubles are once again the problem. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up once again. I was the one to break up with her, but it was more of a mutual thing (once again!) due to her agreeing whole-heartedly. At the moment, however, I am not devastated about it. In fact, I'm pretty relieved I've escaped that endless feeling of underlying discontent with it all, and her constant neglecting me. I was beginning to feel that sadness and insecurity manifest itself in anger towards her, and for the first time today, I truly and honestly contemplated breaking up with her. I followed through on my personal philosophy in which I exhausted every possible measure conceivable, and failed. I was left with no choice. Yes, I miss her, and I feel that in my solar plexus every time I think of her, but it's not that desperate and cold sadness I felt in the previous break-up. It had to be done. She wouldn't change the small and insignificant things for the benefit of it all, so honestly, I was cornered.

It's the next day, as I was kicked off of the computer by my mother for the remainder of the night last night, as so she could attend to some personal matters of her own. I guess, in one way, this is advantageous, as I can now chronicle in a single blog post what I'm going through.

All night, I was plagued by memories. They were easier to throw off than the last 2 times, but I was plagued by them nonetheless. My dreams, too, were once again infected with wishful thinking that moved away even from what I wanted. Once again, I dreamed we got back together, because we thought our parting ways was silly and pointless. I didn't wake up crying this time, but I felt a sharp sting in my gut. I was back to sleep within the hour.

I do sincerely believe I did the right thing, and do not regret it in the slightest. But love is a bit trickier than a relationship. Regardless of my validity in ending it, I still do love her, and miss her quite a lot. The underlying stress and insecurity it spawned in me, however, got too much to handle, and my emotional well-being isn't a compromise I'm willing to make, even for love. And I mean, if the other person is going to make no compromises for you, why do they deserve even your attempts? It makes me upset to think of how much I went through, all for her, only to be brushed off so indifferently in the end, as if there was 'no way' to make it work. It may be cruel, but I'm angry with how she pulled my heart-strings so casually, telling me she was going to change things, and that we were going to fix it... but instead, after coming to me, she could not even follow through on the simplest transformations to the relationship. Perhaps she did love me, perhaps she does. All I know is, how she acted, isn't how someone who is in love with another is supposed to act. I don't know. Maybe she's an abstract romantic (or, like her blog suggests, a total 'unromantic'). Either way, I was desperately unhappy, and knew I had to get out, regardless of the further emotional pain it would probably cause me.

All I know is that I give up.