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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'M IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN EVERYTHING ISN'T IN LOVE WITH ME.

Well, it's been a long and complicated past several days.

On Thursday, I could sense things were wrong. On Friday, the same feeling permeated my minds eye. On Saturday, my spidey-senses were proven correct when, finally, my girlfriend and I parted ways. It seems that she really didn't know what she had till it was gone, and as such, we talked it out, took a short break (it was a grueling one, however, as we both missed each other to serious extremes, thinking it was over for good), and then got back together on Monday, despite everything.
I have a very good feeling about the future, now that she's finally resolved not to sever the relationship under duress, and instead, we'll now work together to figure it out any time we feel we need too (all ideas I attempted to implement prior, yet to no avail... it took a big blow to finally get her to see why we needed, and why she wanted them as well).

She stated that very little of what I did prior were the reasons for the break-ups, and although they contributed, they were more convenient excuses than anything. She has a fear, which I have also felt before in the past, of the idea of being with someone forever.
Emotionally growing, I've gotten over that silly fear. It's one that is pointless to even mull over, as the moment is forever, as well as everything... and although planning is essential, plans are worthless. That means, hope and plan for the best, but be ready for the worst; and that's exactly how I'm going to approach my future with her. I hope she, too, approaches it in a similar context, and ceases to perpetuate her pointless (yet natural) fear in the present. Shes definitely proving she loves me by making such an effort to get over such an age-old fear of hers, and all for the sake of her and I. I don't want it to be silly little things like that to pull us apart. If we're ever pulled apart again, I would prefer it to simply be because we may be moving in separate directions in life. I'm not sure of her outlook on such things, but I will look to make it work in any and every way possible for the future. What I mean by separate directions is that we have both exhausted all possibilities, and in the end, after sacrifice, thought, and numerous attempts, we find it impossible. I don't want it to be some little thing, like fearing a future with me... which goes both ways. I don't fear a future with her. I love the present with her. As such, my future with her does not exist until it becomes the present. Therefore, I really have no reason to worry.

You learn from the past to implement in the present, but nothing can be gained from looking to the future. All you can do is plan. And once again, planning may be essential, but plans are worthless. I love her so much, and I've never feared a future with anyone less-so than I fear one with her... which is literally not at all.

On another note, I've gotten sick. Not terribly so... right now, it seems to be a bit of a cold... but the dizziness and the headache it includes make it uncomfortable enough of a prospect to go to school, so I didn't today. I feel like I'm getting better, so hopefully that will keep up, and I'll be well enough to go to school tomorrow and catch up on what I've missed.

I've also been continuing in my creative endeavors as of late, and have finished the first draft of a song I've been working on for about 2 or 3 weeks. I say first draft because I never believe a song of mine is successfully complete until I have had no urge to alter anything about it for 2 months, at a minimum.

Anyways, blue planet, that's all I've really got to say for today. I hope everyone is having a better week then I've been having, and I wish you all a merry... February.

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The world is meaningless,

there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose.
All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well.
Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.
Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself.
Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it.
Do not let your life and your values and your actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself".
Do not give in to hope.
Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which you imbue it.
Whatever you do, do it for its own sake.
When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!".
Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own.
Live deliberately. You are free.