After everything finally coming to a 'self-perpetuated' boiling point today, in practically every area of my life, I'm not quite sure what to think, feel, or do.
This morning, my girlfriend and I broke up after she stayed the night. The reason we broke up, is because I brought everything that was wrong with the relationship to the surface in an attempt to clear it up. She seems to think it can't be repaired... perhaps she's right, I wouldn't know. All I know is I had the aim of repairing it in mind. It's not so much of a shock this time as 2 weeks ago she broke up with me out of nowhere, but we (temporarily?) figured it out. I could look back and say all we did was place a band-aid on the wound, and maybe that would be true... but she lacked the will to repair anything. She was dead-set on the idea that the entire relationship was hopeless. And who knows? I guess neither of us will really know which one of us was right, if either. It doesn't help that a relative of mine has been diagnosed with a dangerous sickness, but that's something I've been advised not to reveal in detail to the internet, and as such, I won't elaborate. All we can do is hope for the best.
Regarding the break-up, I'm not totally devastated, as might be expected. I'm certainly nowhere near happy, but I'm not devastated. Yes, I miss her a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot... but at the same time, if the relationship really was on such shaky ground, I think this might be best for both of us. At the moment, I'm in that state of mind in which I don't think anyone can really understand how I feel, despite the fact that I'm sure I would be surprised by how many really do understand. I mean, most (if not all) people 17 and up have been through a few break-ups before.
Despite my sadness and feeling of loss, I have a strange sense of calm in the back of my mind, which is a welcome comfort, especially now. Although, one part of my mind keeps wandering, and wondering... where is she right now? Is she ok? I hope she's ok, while another part of my mind is realizing I'm never going to be able to kiss her, or hug her, or hold her, or feel her, or tell her I love her ever again, and I think that is one of the most painful parts of any kind of loss, especially those relating to people. Loss regarding materials is much different, as those materials are technically re-obtainable in the future. With people, even if it is possible to re-obtain them, it's unlikely given the reality of autonomy of thought and feeling as compared to an object someone physically owns.
I'm surprised, this time around, that I'm not fearing returning to school on Monday. It's especially strange considering the circumstances in which I'll be returning. My ex-girlfriend and I have 2 out of 3 of the same classes together, plus a free block at the same time. In both of the real classes we have together, she sits generally close to me. I could always switch it up and sit on another side of the room... but I think for the first day, I'm going to leave it how it is and see how I feel about it. If it's extremely awkward and/or uncomfortable, a change of scenery is more than welcome. Otherwise, I may not bother moving, as I'm generally pretty comfortable where I am in both classes.
Another option is dropping one of the classes I have and replacing it with more of a leisurely class which I was planning on taking in the first place... Digital Media.
It would definitely be welcome, as I have 2 or 3 close friends in the class that takes place that block, but... we'll see. I'm not quite sure how deep I've dug myself in the current class I'm already attending. It also is, despite everything, a generally interesting class (even if the archaeology unit was a bit of a bore).
I know... life goes on. In the back of my mind, that has become the default answer to all of my hardships... Life goes on. Her and I will be friends again eventually... but for now, I think it's probably healthy for the both of us to completely distance ourselves from each other for about a month. After that comes the month of awkward friendship, and then after that, the friendship will either revert to what it was prior to the relationship, or it'll level out at a 'good friends' level... both of which I'm alright with. I'm friends with all of my ex's, and hold no grudges against any of them... just memories; none of which cause me to miss the relationship I had with them. I simply smile because it happened.
It'll be a little bit before I'm completely over this most recent break-up, but in the end, I will smile because it happened, and it'll be a smile that stretches from ear to ear.
Life goes on.
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