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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

on the potential of being bipolar

After months of strange and seemingly irrational mood-swings, I decided to take it upon myself to research bipolar disorder as it's been known to run in my family. After taking some non-descript online quiz offered by a psychological center in some far off corner of the United States and being informed that I seem to fit the bill.. at least at this point in my life.. for moderate to severe symptoms of the disorder, I decided I’d do a bit of descriptive research and see what said symptoms imply. 
Almost immediately I was struck by how generally this ‘disorder’ was described; episodes of intense elation or, conversely, of rock-bottom depression… but what really piqued my skepticism was the description of the ‘hypomanic episode,’ described as “a mild to moderate level of elevated mood, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Generally, hypomania does not inhibit functioning as mania does.” Reading on further: “What might be called a "hypomanic event", if not accompanied by depressive episodes, is often not deemed as problematic, unless the mood changes are uncontrollable, volatile or mercurial. If left untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several years.” 
How, by any measure, could someone even venture to describe several years of general emotional well-being as the result of some mental offset? All emotions are being pathologized in the modern world to the point that an effect is made of creating said mental disorders through a ‘nacebo effect’ (the opposite of the ‘placebo’). The fact that years upon years of happiness can be described as a tame insanity is near-irrefutable proof of this. Perhaps my issues are simply the result of a subconscious belief in the authority of the Western psychologist. No matter how far I try to claw from their influence, it seems ingrained in my head as a matter of course. As I try to escape, I am further flushed into their categories as a safe-haven to protect myself and others from responsibility and, as such, mental sovereignty.

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The world is meaningless,

there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose.
All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well.
Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.
Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself.
Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it.
Do not let your life and your values and your actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself".
Do not give in to hope.
Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which you imbue it.
Whatever you do, do it for its own sake.
When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!".
Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own.
Live deliberately. You are free.