So, it's
only the beginning of the week and I've already been up and down. Yesterday I
felt myself in a trapped square of 'consequential' exhaustion, which reminded
me how unfree I was in the fact that I couldn't simply take an hour to lie
down. I felt like the pure deliberation of life was sucked away.
The
childhood love of delineated exploration and pure poetic feeling is gone to the
average working adult. I get glimpses of it on very relaxing weekends, and on
nice mornings staring at golden orange clouds waiting for the bus.. but then I
consider the fact that I cannot just follow a trail to sit under the clouds to
adoringly rest and meditate, otherwise i put my livelihood on the line. It
feels like such an absolute and complete oppression, when my nature and THE
nature is denied.
How many
'logical' arguments could be made in the favor of livelihood as opposed to true
life? Plenty.
Logic
and reason have distorted the reality we once inhabited as children. Not only
that.. we live our lives on the basis of logical reason, causing war,
manipulation, nihilism.. and then we try in vain to solve those same problems
with logical reason, unaware that doing so is standing on the same fucking
ground and pushing 2 futile chess pieces back and forth.
The
solution to war, manipulation, and nihilism lies outside of a compromise with
logic and reason. It lies in also not ignoring the evils of modern everyday
livelihood with a 'well, what are you gonna do? Gotta work to live.'
I head
to work as I write these words, and know I'm going to be pushing myself harder
than I ever would if I had a choice. I take responsibility in the name of
symbolism; in the name of logical abstraction which has lost nature, thus
causing a gap only solvable my radicalism; whether the radicalism of denying
society and dropping out, or the radicalism of destroying society to start from
square one.
The idea
of 'time' I find to be the most incredible of oppressions. I book off 80% of my
current present to a place I would still not rather be, when I could be doing
so much more for myself and the world if I had the freedom to do so and didn't
live under the paradigm of pain-is-temporary, pride-is-forever. When I see
worker-bees, I see cowards afraid of true life and true death. They waste
their lives trying to secure an unguaranteed amount of 'time,' by wasting their
'time.' Then they try to make sure they work for the upkeep and survival of
their children by abandoning their children at a daycare or school, only to
lord their 18 to 20 years of work for their benefit over their heads when they
come of age to force them license to follow in the same footsteps. This gives
people the disgusting and reprehensible choice between freedom or family, as if
they can't have both; because, in the modern world, you really can't have both unless you're willing to
go to incredible lengths not supported by your cultural operating system to do
so.
There
are niches in the modern world, each being different to every individual.. in
my case, investigative journalism is the freedom niche I aspire too.. but only
a certain demographic fulfill such dreams, and in doing so, modern society
forces them to condemn thousands more to far less than their potential or want.
Because if you and I are going to be investigative journalists, someone still
has to pick up our garbage, right? Someone still has to serve us at the
counter, right?
Personally,
I believe dependencies on such positions are the result of an intricate web of
confusion, abstraction, and redundancy that could be solved in a revamped
society; however, I won't address that here.
Everything
I ever suspected about jobs prior to ever getting one has been 100% correct,
and the further I plunge into the world of the working man, the more glad I am
I avoided a job as long as I did. With attitudes such as, 'it's not that bad,'
it was easy to see I was condemning myself to something obligatorily dark,
deep, and bloody depressing.. creating a physical reality backed up by
far-reaching symbolism which forces you to sludge through unnatural depression,
exhaustion, and force in order to survive.. and if you are strong enough to resist
the pain of the proletarian, you may come out successful with dreams fulfilled
on the other side of the minefield. Others get so overwhelmed and taken by the
invasive and violent darkness and they tumble into it for the rest of their
lives, having lost the will to attempt climbing out.
Even
looking at the bright beautiful sky in the distance while sitting on the bus on
my way to an 8 hour shift, I know as
an absolute certainty that there is a gross injustice being carried out against
me and the rest of the human race.
I guess
that's all I've really got to say.
I just
feel like I'm treading on a sidewalk of soap.
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