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Monday, December 5, 2011

Possible Anxiety and the Onset of (Dear God, Hopefully) Temporary Tinnitus

Hello blue planet!
I apologize for the lack of posts in the past couple of days. I've been busy in almost all aspects of life, as far as I can tell.
First and foremost, let me address the title of the post. The main, and most alarming thing as of right now (which I am starting to calm down in regards to) is the constant ringing in my left ear that I've been experiencing at the level of a frightening nuisance since Friday morning. That ringing also seems to carry itself, every now and then, into my right ear. All of this was accompanied by some strange issue with my neck.. most likely a swollen lymph node, which I experienced and recovered from a couple of months back as well. At the moment, it appears the neck issue may have figured itself out after having my first decent nights sleep since the ringing started (thanks to cyclic ambient music and white noise applications for the iPod Touch). It may be too soon to tell for sure, however, so we'll see if the well-being sticks around for the rest of the day, as well as the rest of the week.

I've been frightening myself, most predominantly, with the ringing in my ear, occasionally ear(s) (right now, there is a general buzzing which I believe everyone hears when it's quiet, as told by many people I know, in my left ear.. and a ringing in my right ear, perhaps exacerbated or created entirely by the screeching sounds that fancy electronics seem to make in this day and age, but can be attributed most recognizably to that low whirring sound that TV's always make when they're on, or heard from a distant room) by reading up on what it could potentially, or most likely be online. Both the most comforting and most likely cause I've dug up is an inner ear infection in my left ear, which may very well be ironically egged-on by the stress and anxiety created by worrying myself over it (trust me; you'd be stressed and anxious to, if it managed to keep you up at night without some other sort of sound to mask it). Each time I hear it, however, I always wonder how much of it is just psychological, and how much really is a physical issue. I've decided not to seriously worry over it anymore unless it lasts past a couple weeks. Regardless, I plan on going to a walk-in medical clinic somewhere in the city to get a check-up and, hopefully, rule out the worst case scenarios. Perhaps a psychiatric assessment might be something to look into as well.. even if I do have some philosophical issues with even considering I suffer from anxiety, paranoia, or the like.

I also scared myself wondering if I had done some permanent damage to my hearing by listening to music, sometimes quite loud, using ear-buds for the past couple of years. Although such a possibility has yet to be ruled out, I doubt it would cause such a serious reaction so early. It would be more likely play into the hearing ability of 30 year old me as opposed to 18 year old me. I mean, how many teenagers in the past 70 years haven't incessantly listened to loud music?
There is also popping when I swallow, and occasionally when I yawn... so it may be something to do with pressure or, like I said before, an inner ear infection.

Yesterday, when my throat was seriously acting up, I felt like I wasn't able to breath properly. I was getting enough air in my lungs, but it felt like my neck was going to choke up on itself any minute. That, coupled with the ringing (which either wasn't there at the time or was masked by the constant sounds of the city) coaxed me into checking-in to Emergency at Vancouver General Hospital. When the doctor finally got around to checking me out and feeling my neck, as well as taking a peak into my ear, he said there was nothing immediately apparent or dramatic that seemed to be wrong with me, and suggested it was probably something viral that I'd caught. Although his diagnoses was a significant comfort in terms of my neck, I can't say he went very in-depth in any regards (I mean.. why would he? He's working emergency, which = quick check, and you're either dealt with accordingly, or there's nothing seriously wrong with you). For this reason, a walk-in medical clinic may be a better option in more of an in-depth look into what it could potentially be.
The doctor may have said there was nothing wrong with my outer ear (as in, ahead of the ear drum), he didn't check the inner ear (which is the area that, if infected, would indeed cause my ear, or ears, to ring).

I'm just scared that I may have chronic tinnitus, that's my biggest concern; it is, quite literally, one of the worst ailments you could ever possibly have. However, I am 18, so it is most likely something simpler and less menacing; I'm just hoping I'm not the first affliction in a series of many which mark a sign of the times regarding overuse of ear-buds on close to full volume.

We'll see, I'll keep everyone updated.
I believe the low whirring of the computer is causing my ears to ring much louder than they would otherwise.

Apart from all of this, work and my social life are going well.  I've now got two jobs; working at a McDonald's that doubles under the auspices of a Wal-Mart in Port Coquitlam, as well as working at Lids, a new-age hat store in the Metrotown Mall in Burnaby. I've also succeeded in tracking down an old friend of mine who lives in the area and whom was almost nearly impossible to catch up with prior due to his lack of a working phone or his own computer. We hung out the other day, finally, and spoke about philosophy, the OWS movement, and the possibility of some sort of New World Order (which I've always been skeptical of, but I listened to his arguments regardless). So, providing the whirring and ringing in my ears finally subside, and my throat stays better, life is, and will be pretty good.

I'm also somewhat looking forward to Christmas and seeing my family.
Peace out, blue planet; I hope you're having a great Holiday season.

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The world is meaningless,

there is no God or gods, there are no morals, the universe is not moving inexorably towards any higher purpose.
All meaning is man-made, so make your own, and make it well.
Do not treat life as a way to pass the time until you die.
Do not try to "find yourself", you must make yourself.
Choose what you want to find meaningful and live, create, love, hate, cry, destroy, fight and die for it.
Do not let your life and your values and your actions slip easily into any mold, other that that which you create for yourself, and say with conviction, "This is who I make myself".
Do not give in to hope.
Remember that nothing you do has any significance beyond that with which you imbue it.
Whatever you do, do it for its own sake.
When the universe looks on with indifference, laugh, and shout back, "Fuck You!".
Rembember that to fight meaninglessness is futile, but fight anyway, in spite of and because of its futility.
The world may be empty of meaning, but it is a blank canvas on which to paint meanings of your own.
Live deliberately. You are free.