As most (if not all) of the readers of my blog would know by now.. I suffer from serious anxiety.
Although I have never 'officially' been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), I have never really had a very comprehensive evaluation of my mental state ever done beyond what I've personally noted fits the bill (which may very well be part of the problem).
The fact that I haven't yet been officially diagnosed is probably due to the fact that it has only developed recently, about 4 months after graduating in June 2011. If I remember correctly.. it will soon have been exactly a year since I first noted symptoms of a serious form of anxiety while I was living in the Vancouver suburb known as Port Coquitlam (working at a McDonald's occasionally doing night-shifts, may I add).
In complete cahoots with the rise of my anxiety was the onset of my tinnitus. Undoubtedly, each fed the other in a strange and vicious circle (and still happen to do so to this day, albeit not quite on the same level). However, in the past 3 or so months alone, my anxiety has reached what (I hope) is its absolute zenith with the constant recurrence of panic attacks and, even today, an inner monologue asking if that strange head twitch I often indulge in may potentially lead to a sudden epileptic seizure (which I'm logically 99% sure it won't, yet still irrationally stuck in the physiological state that accompanies the groundless delusion that it will).
Mostly, my anxiety is a fear of going crazy in some way, shape, or form, and often relates to some strange phobia I now have regarding the nature of reality in which, at the complete and utter pique of a panic attack, I begin to imagine I may start hallucinating, or suddenly slip the matrix and end up walking underneath a street with backwards colors and alien shapes and forms (yes, this is actually what it's like, and thankfully putting it down in writing makes me realize how absurd and silly it really is). I suppose it stems from a fear of being absolutely alone in my own manufactured mental hell (I'm shaking a little even as I write this), and I believe that probably stems from my over-reading of philosophies regarding the nature of reality and further 'mind-probing' to the edges of conscious experience (ex: Timothy Leary, Terrence McKenna).
This past July, at Diversity Festival on Texada Island, I did try LSD for the first time in my life and have, at times, wondered if that may have contributed to the exacerbation of my anxiety.. yet it's in no way induced a psychotic state in me; but may have, perhaps, induced my fear of psychosis. However, I am heftily unsure, and although the acid trip was both good and bad, in its overall context, it was absolutely beautiful and amazing; most certainly one of the most profound experiences of my life.
As to whether or not I'll ever do it again remains to be seen (although probably not, I can see myself trying MDMA again). Certainly not in the mind state I've found myself in lately.
My job working in palliative care, in the case of anxiety, is both a gift and a curse.
Working in order to help the less fortunate certainly eases the ill feelings, but feeling a deep, bonded compassion towards clients who are on the last legs of their journey's (and not really enjoying it anymore due to zero mobility, dementia, Alzheimer's disease, bed sores, dysphagia etc etc etc) can occasionally leave me with an after-burn feeling once I finish (or, on occasion, during) my shift in which I imagine myself in the same position, and begin to panic at the idea that, not only is it a worldly possibility.. but it's actually happening to this person, who is just as real as me, right now.
This is usually when I pray that euthanasia is legal by the time I'm old enough to become so debilitated.
Anyways.. I've had somewhat of a 'game plan' floating around in my head as to how to cope with and eventually overcome my anxiety without the use of pharmaceutical drugs.
First of all; I am not one to simply give up everything within my lifestyle right off the bat (seeing as I've held it all fine, even if only up to this point). This applies to coffee.
Although I do tend to take a break during periods of deep and lasting anxiety (between a weekend and a month long), I always, always return to it, and I find that I am discovering, through trial and error, the right compromisable amount; one cup a day, when I first wake up, makes me feel amazing and mentally well-balanced for the rest of the day (usually), and never involves any sort of caffeine crash. Anything above this amount, however, usually leads to, in the best case scenario: an underlying feeling of squeamish discontent, and, in the worst case scenario: an hour long and recurring solipsistic derealization in which it feels like any moment I may begin to hallucinate, hear voices, or simply drop dead out of nowhere (none of which ever happens, just to tie that loose end up for the readers sake).
A much less belligerent reaction occurs when I drink more than 5 or 6 cups of caffeinated tea in a day. No matter how much I may consume, it's never ever as dramatic as coffee, and only ever leads to a squeamish discontent (if anything). Regardless of this.. I'd like to start drinking more herbal teas, especially after 3 pm in the afternoon.
Alongside all of this, I have been somewhat concerned (in the past month or so) about my overall sugar intake, and have discovered that refined sugars.. similar to caffeine.. lead to anxiety. As such.. I'd like to start cutting down dramatically on my refined sugar intake, perhaps having my daily dose with my morning coffee, and that's it. If possible.. I'd like to start buying unrefined cane sugar to use in coffee (as well as in general), and a steady supply of natural honey to use in my tea.
I would also like to stop my dead-end procrastination on two absolute essentials in this matter: constant mixed exercise, and mindfulness meditation; both absolutely key aspects to the alleviation of anxiety which I leave as a last desperate course of action.
As well as constant exercise and meditation, I would also like to begin doing yoga on a serious basis.
I also need to start reinforcing my somewhat lost aura of overall positivity to life. How I lost it was probably only due to the constant seas of change that swept upon my shores following high-school.
High-school me.. which I feel I never truly lost.. was a super chill dude who took everything in life as it came. I was well-respected, and partook in a hedonistic exploration into all forms of knowledge and learning.
Which leads me to my last point!
In the same way that I don't plan on ever entirely giving up coffee.. worst case scenario, I'll stick to strictly decaf.. I also don't plan on ceasing my philosophical inquiries into life. Perhaps I do indeed over-indulge.. in the same way I once drank upwards of 6 to 8 coffees a day.. but it's an essential part to who I am and is, in my mind, an essential part to being a full-fledged human being. Perhaps I should also stop taking plenty of it at face-value, and remember that the physical reality doesn't change, even if my idea of it does.
And it could once again be a blessing if it's properly balanced by the alternative to mind-chatter, which is mindful meditation.
I would add 'have more sex' to this game plan.. and should I come across a relationship in my last year here in Powell River it will most certainly be added, alongside a deeper sense of companionship and commitment with and to someone.. but I'm feeling pretty void of dating options in this town at this point, and am bracing myself for a year void of romance (although, only time will really tell for sure, and I won't write off all possibilities). I just don't feel like I should seek one out in a general sense, and should simply leave it to happen should it happen, and realize I'll be fine should it not.
However.. one of the reasons I'm so angsted not to be going to Victoria this September is the fact that I will have no change for a renewal in any sense until next year; much less a romantic renewal in the small town I went to high-school in.
Once again though, we'll see.
And the game plan will be set in motion as is possible.
Peace out, blue planet; thanks for listening.
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