Down and Out.

And no. That's not a Kid Cudi reference. I really am feeling down and out lately.
I don't know what it is; maybe it's the weather, or my lack of seeing many friends in the past few days... or maybe it's simply just me.
I seem to interpret things people do quite literally; thing's such as partial responses to questions, or no real response to something I say, to no direct eye-contact, to simply seeming abit annoyed or upset about something, which is probably entirely unrelated to myself, and interpreting it as having something to do with me. Maybe not directly, but related in some way.

I've also been feeling an underlying sense of discontent and insecurity, leading to obvious issues with social interaction as I feel as if I may be being judged in some form. Why exactly? I don't know.
Another feeling I've been having is that every clumsy move makes me seem stupid and inferior to others, and this is a harsh, likely ridiculous way to see it, but it seems as if I can't really help it all that much. I guess basically what I'm saying is, I'm not very happy.
That's not to say I'm full-fledged depressed... I would certainly know if I was, and I'm assuming everyone around me would as well, or at least would be able to tell; and I am aware that, just as a famous quote tells me, that my 'moods will rise and fall, just like the tides,' but for some reason I feel quite disconnected from the world around me, and find myself seriously wishing I could simply escape this microcosm of a town and see the world. Right now, I really do feel like I'm wasting precious years of my life, yet, when I consider the alternative: running off in the style of a teenage vigilante to see the world, I always flash-forward to a few years later when I'm working at a burger joint somewhere on the East Coast, unsure of my place in the world, just as I am right now. I'd be one of those smart, intellectual people who would remain forever unrecognized, unless through some great stroke of good fortune.

Basically, I think this all boils-down to me feeling abit like a social outsider. Maybe at least partially of my own accord, as I'll admit that, strangely enough, I don't talk to people as much as I'd like to, through some most-likely mislead sense of 'Oh no, I may be judged!' or, 'I think I said something wrong,' after which I contemplate any encounter for the next few hours, wondering, arbitrarily about what kind of impression I must have made, despite the fact that I'm sure the other person is concerned very little with the impression, and would certainly not arbitrarily dislike me for any speech slip-up I may have inadvertently made.
I think it's more the knowledge that there are people that will judge harshly that gets me tongue-tied sometimes, as I've met more than a few people like that and, due to my own insecurities, which I'm more than willing to admit I have, I worry what they may say about me, despite the fact that ultimately, I could care less what they have to say. The idea that they are physically speaking those words is what makes me concerned, just as the idea that there are people physically speaking words of positive worth on my part makes me smile, both inside and out; yet as I said, ultimately, it doesn't matter to me what others have to say regarding who I am, but it can still make me feel abit happier, or abit upset.

I've observed it to be a part of human nature: 100 people can say something incredibly positive about you, and then one person says something incredibly negative, and that's the one you'll dwell on the most. Due to the negative nature of the comment, the thought of it is sure to make you upset.

I'm not sure how true it is, but alot of people seem to think that a majority of people, at least in Western culture, are very quick to judge, and I guess that, based on a personal mental consensus, I would have to agree... but such a condemning nature doesn't exist in most of the rest of the world, at least as far as I can see from my bounded position in small-town Western Canada.

These feelings of constant in-and-out insecurity are the main reason I can't wait until high school comes to an end, and I won't be faced with the probability of being judged, day-in and day-out, in a constant social environment layered with different social groups which are always cautious to intertwine with one another due to perceptions of superiority or inferiority. The only ones that really do intertwine with both are the ones that agree with neither, and are indifferent and, for the most part, unjudgemental, and those kind are thin in numbers, but outspoken and more than obvious nonetheless, and can, on occasion, drift more to the side of superior thinking when trying to appeal to someone who thinks themselves 'cool,' or what not; but they're never rude when they do drift. They just keep their distance, I've noticed.

I don't feel so insecure all the time by any means; alot of the time it feels like it's just under the surface though, but there are times when I feel entirely confident in myself, during which time my line of thinking is: "Who cares what they think? I'll talk to them and/or their friend, and they can dislike me if they'd like, but that's not my problem," to times when I feel like it's just under the surface as I said, in which my line of thinking is, "Well, I'll try to chat with them and/or their friend, but I won't prolong it if I pick up on a bad vibe. No big deal either way," to times when I feel, just as I said, totally down and out, and my line of thinking is, "They probably don't like me, and/or don't wish to talk with me, judging by there body language and the way they seem to be looking at me, so maybe I should just not say a word. I might be insulted, now or later."

Don't worry, I confuse myself sometimes too.