As to reflect on what I wrote yesterday, my girlfriend and I broke it off about 2 or 3 days ago.
We've tentatively gotten back together, but only as to see if I still love her or not. I'm giving this time of thought and true discovery at least two weeks, and at most a month. As I see it, if it works out, it'll act as a new beginning. If not, it'll act as a time of closure, and a time of moving on will ensue.
Personally, the second possibility seems more likely to me, as I honestly care for her, but I don't think I love her, at least not in that way. I love her more as a really good friend.
When we broke up, I really felt that it was the right thing to do, and still do, but her drama and incredibly strong upset, and her broken heart, all played as factors in giving her and I another chance. I guess I consider it as though she pressured me into doing so, probably unaware that she was doing so, and she really felt this strongly, or she was just taking everything far out of context and subconsciously pressured me into it. Either that or she deliberately meant to do so.
I'm justifiably nervous and afraid about the next two weeks, because I honestly have no real idea as to what to expect. One things for sure: if I truly feel I don't love her anymore, I won't let anyone pressure me into staying in the relationship. There's just no logical sense to it. If I did, it would end eventually, and we'd both just end up getting quite a bit more hurt in the end.
To top all of this off, I'm sick with a sore throat, coughing fits, chest pains and body aches, and a large headache. Maybe it was brought on by all this stress, who knows? Either that or I've had it for a long time and my moment of weakness caused it to infect me. That or one of my best friends really is the cause that I'm sick, recently getting over it himself after being sick for about a week.
Something else to note is the fact that I tried to look for help and logical answers to my questions by asking the public on Yahoo! Answers, and although I got plenty of great responses, all of them told me to keep myself busy, and surround myself with friends, despite the fact that it's a school week, and just the fact alone that school this year pushes us so hard, most if not all of my friends can't really spend time with me and vice-verse, also, as I said earlier, I'm not really very fit to hang out with them because I've got such a bad cold right now.
Another thing to note is that I'm never really busy, because I do get homework but I either don't do it, wait until it's late, or do it and end up having alot on a day I would have spent with my friends. Maybe I should look for a hobby (yes, I know, blog-writing, but I've already got it) such as attempt to teach myself guitar, or rearrange my room, or attempt to preoccupy myself with video games as much as possible.
Spring Break is coming next month, and I really hope that if this doesn't end in a happy manner, that I'll be able to spend time with all my friends and family, and just do my best to move on.
Writing this down in the hopes that someone will read it (hopefully my friends and/or family) and will understand what I'm going through, or at least get the jist, really brings me some comfort.
I'll be sure to keep my blog up-to-date on these stressful and painful times.
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