Well, I decided I'd quickly post an update on how I've been doing lately, as it feels great to use my blog as a place to vent any negative feelings I have despite the fact that it's not a famous blog or anything, which honestly may actually be better due to the fact that, although this may not be private, it does act as something similar to a journal or diary.
Anyways, as has been the norm for the past week, I've been feeling pangs of sorrow and periods of upset and sadness over the whole break-up thing (which may not be the only reason anymore), but also, as of earlier today, started feeling bad about my father: him and I have a very rich relationship, and when we get chances to bond, we bond, but this weekend I felt bad because I realized I seem to bond more with my mother and my mothers boyfriend more often than I do with him; I mean, the bonding with my moms boyfriend isn't on anywhere near the same level of bondage as it is with my father, but just that fact made me feel slightly guilty and undeserving of my fathers love.
My dad is a great guy, he's strongly political, and I take most of my political beliefs from him.
He taught me how to devote myself to something, but to never stick with something I feel I don't truly enjoy or see any necessity to. He's a great musician and acoustic guitar player, and sings quite well. He occasionally plays independently at gigs, and other times he plays with close friends of his. The thing is, last night he was jamming with some people at a family friends birthday party, and he kept looking to me and smiling, and i smiled back, but I think he may have been looking for me to be proud of him (which, of course, I definitely was proud of him, and to be able say he's my father) but I was quite tired because it was getting late and they had been jamming for a long time.
Now that I actually look at this, I believe I'm probably over thinking all of this (like I often do), I'm sure my dad of all people understands me at least in general.
Lately, though, I've felt like no one could understand exactly what I'm going through, mainly due to the fact that not even I'm completely sure what I'm going through and why I'm having such a problem getting through it. I mean, honestly, I don't miss my ex-girlfriend romantically, yes, I do miss the romance in general, and I do miss her, but I'm going to experience romance again, I don't know when or with whom, but I will, and I will hopefully be friends with her again. I just think some time being disconnected from each other is good. In this case, I'm going to start talking to her after spring break, and if we become good friends, then great. If we become chatting acquaintances, then that's fine to.
I guess the main thing is, I miss the overall feeling I had prior to the break-up, which may take awhile to regain, or may not, I'm not sure. I don't think I could really explain the feeling very well, all I could say is I felt loved, relaxed, laid-back, had a clear conscious, and now, all of a sudden I feel disliked, upset and occasionally on-edge, and for some reason find it easy to feel guilty over minor things such as what I explained with my father.
All I really want is to be happy and content, and I think one way to do that is to get a 3 day a week job, sign-up with the local gym, learn to play guitar, switch around my weekends with my dad so he has an extra Friday with me on the weekends he has me, and just in general keep busy with school and such.
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